5. Bright, shiny distractions.
The business I work for had a dinner together with all family members. Before the first speech, the emcee gave the following announcement, “We kindly ask if you can please put all cell phones and children on vibrate.”
5. Return to Work
Prudential executives see more employer interest in helping older workers who are out on disability come back to work.
Employers have noticed that some of those older workers have skills, and knowledge, that are hard to replace.
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Hoping to look like a hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working on an important deal. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?” The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
The boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn’t respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office, he came in the next day with a sign for his door that said, “I am the boss.” One of the employees, apparently not appreciating the change, posted a post-it-note on the sign that said, “your wife wants her sign back.”
An employee is getting to know her new coworkers when the topic of her last job comes up. “Why did you leave that job?” asked one coworker. “It was something my boss said,” she replied. “What did he say?” the coworker quizzed. “You’re fired.”
A salesman dropped in to see a client. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.” “Incredible!” exclaimed the man. Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!” “Please don’t!” said the dog. “If he finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone, too!”
An employee goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.” “We’re short-handed,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.” “Thanks, boss,” says the employee “I knew I could count on you!”
A young executive is leaving the office late one evening when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” says the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my assistant has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?” “Certainly,” the young executive says, pressing the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” says the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
What not to tell a prospective employer (taken from actual résumés): “I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability." | “I intentionally omitted my salary history. I’ve made money and lost money. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. I prefer being rich.” | “Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
Question: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? Answer: The turkey because he’s already stuffed!
The winner in a competition asking people to submit real-life quotes from their Dilbert-type managers: “As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)
Question: Why did the scarecrow get a raise? Answer: He was outstanding in his field.