Splitting Heirs

A: See if you can inspire this couple to give their marriage a proper burial, for their daughter’s sake. Good “divorce therapy” could help them learn to respect their differences and negotiate toward a compromise.

If they’re not willing to try this or it hasn’t succeeded, they might consider turning to a parenting coordinator. Family court judges and lawyers are increasingly recommending this solution to divorcing couples who can’t resolve parenting disputes and differences.

A parenting coordinator will first try teaching the parents better conflict resolution and communication skills. These professionals, who usually come from a background in mental health, law, or mediation, are trained to help resolve disputes. They will step in and make decisions on the parents’ behalf only if both parties remain unable to communicate respectfully and cannot find ways to meet in the middle.

I’ve personally advocated divorce therapy for years, especially if children are involved. When the hostility and polarization are so intense that parents are batting their kids back and forth like ping-pong balls to punish each other and assert their own world-view, a parenting coordinator can be a very effective resource.

Try to help these sparring exes see the importance of hammering out their differences. It will make life more pleasant for their daughter now–and show her the possibility of forging workable intimate relationships when she is older.

Q: My client, a young doctor in general practice, has never forgiven his father for leaving his mother. The dad has gone downhill, and recently was picked up for a second DUI. When he phoned to ask for money to enter rehab, my client said no. He (my client) now has mixed feelings about this decision. Although he still has a lot of medical school debt, he could take money out of an IRA to give his father. Should I advise him to do it, if it would ease his conscience?

A: You should tell your client not to rush any decision.

The first and most essential thing is to encourage your client to initiate honest and open discussions with his father about their history. This doesn’t have to be a long-term process; it could take the form of a few letters, phone calls, or e-mails. Any progress may help him decide how best to help his dad.

At the same time, your client might consider individual therapy to resolve their relationship on a deeper level. Looking at the roots of the father’s alcoholic behavior may reveal that it was exacerbated by his guilt over the failed marriage. Or he may have had a longtime drinking problem that contributed to the breakup. Whatever the case, the son can gain self-esteem and inner security from making peace with his dad while the older man is still alive.

Assuming there are no other family members or friends who are better able to help with the rehab fees, you can brainstorm with your client about alternative ways to come up with the money. But the larger issue of whether to bail Dad out is one that a therapist is better prepared to help the son address. How do the financial repercussions of saying yes compare to the emotional repercussions of saying no? Will he feel doubly wounded and betrayed if he gives his father the money but the dad doesn’t succeed at rehab?

Obviously, this is not a quick and easy decision. I advise you to help the son explore ways to reconnect with his dad instead of rushing into a decision to either deny him or bail him out. Slowing down the process may lead to a solution that neither of them has foreseen.

Q: I’m trying to deal with a triangle, though not of the romantic type. A client couple of mine are the mother and stepfather of a 15-year-old girl whose rebelliousness is abetted by her birth father. He gives her money, buys her expensive gifts, and sides with her in any dispute. Just recently he took her to get her learner’s permit, even though my clients think she isn’t mature enough to drive. They’re frustrated and concerned about the lessons the girl is learning. Is there anything I can do?

A: Oh, my. When it comes to the psychological expertise necessary to help these folks reconcile their different parenting styles, you may be in over your head. The birth father sounds like the kind of overindulgent parent who probably tells himself that he is loving and accepting, in contrast to what he sees as the overly punitive, rigid and/or withholding mother and her new husband.

You might ask your client if she can sit down with her ex-husband and suggest to him, without being critical or judgmental, that their daughter may be confused and conflicted by their different parenting styles. If the mom acknowledges his generosity and desire to help the girl get a good start in life, he may be willing to come to a few counseling sessions to learn about combining healthy limits with supportive nurturing.

If he won’t consent to this, there may be no alternative but to seek mediation from a parenting coordinator. It would certainly be irresponsible to let this situation continue any longer. Good luck in helping your clients resolve this difficult situation!

When parents and children are involved in divorce-related issues, it will be difficult (if not impossible) to recommend financial strategies if they are still nursing unresolved wounds, anger, feelings of betrayal, or a thirst for revenge. By doing all you can to normalize the situation and providing resources to help them cope, you’ll make it easier for them to restore more harmonious relationships with each other and, in the long run, to heal.