Couples' 14 Biggest Financial Fights and How to Resolve Them: Advisors' Advice

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1. Saving vs. Spending

Many couples may have one saver and one spender. This can drive the other person crazy when their “other” thinks this way. A financial advisor can help guide a couple to thinking differently about the situation. Most find that it is much easier to agree on financial goals for the family rather than the actual dollars, and as long as they both have a financial plan on how they can accomplish their goals, the rest is what we call “guilt-free spending or saving." If a couple is on track for their financial goals, the rest may not be worth the squabble.

— Michelle Young, private wealth advisor, Ameriprise

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2. Small Resentments Add Up

The most significant financial conflict we see with our client couples is continuous small spending resentments building into huge fights. Each person spends money on things important to them but not necessarily essential to their partner. For example, surf boats, golf or clothing expenses.

To address this, we help them create high-level spending plans for the coming year and to discuss long-term family goals. Then, we ask them to have a monthly family financial plan review meeting where they immediately discuss any minor financial conflicts so they don't turn into enormous resentments.

— Richard Archer, president, Archer Investment Management

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3. 'My Spouse Spends Too Much'

Without a doubt, the biggest financial conflict we see between couples is the belief that one partner is overspending. Typically, the partner who is closest to the finances and looking at the ebb and flow of investment balances has more anxiety about the outflows and sometimes this can build up until a breakpoint is hit, resulting in difficult arguments and attaching blame.

Keeping a portion of finances separate can be helpful so there is not always the perception of needing to “ask permission” about purchases that may exceed an agreed budget. I also find that tracking cash flow for a few months and then discussing it together can be eye-opening for both partners. Oftentimes the “overspending” may be unavoidable. In all cases, I try to steer couples away from equating their personal financial contribution with their legitimate right to have an equal voice in financial decisions.

— Karen Ogden, partner, Envest Asset Management LLC

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4. Funding Individual Pursuits

One of the biggest financial conflicts that client couples encounter is on their individual discretionary spending, aka, hobbies and/or shopping. My wife and I have encountered this also, especially when the kids were young.

I asked a client that golfed all the time what his secret was with his marriage, and he said they both get allowances. Every month they got $400 they could spend on whatever they wanted no questions asked. I've shared this with other clients and adopted the policy too and it works. Plus, it teaches you to save if you have something you're looking for that's more than $400.

— Richard T. Feight, financial planner, IAM Financial LLC

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5. Now vs. Later

The biggest and most common conflict I see with the families I serve, which are primarily two-income couples in their 30s, is that one spouse will typically want to save every dime while the other wants to spend a little to enjoy life now. Finding that balance is difficult.

My job as an advisor in that situation is to convince one partner to loosen up and spend a little more now while simultaneously demonstrating to the other the importance of saving for a future that they may not be able to envision just yet. Arbitrating compromise in that situation is challenging. It takes patience, a willingness to educate rather than dictate, and getting to know my clients.

— David E. Barfield, founder, financial planner, Datapoint Financial Planning, LLC

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6. Lack of Communication

Communication — or lack thereof — is at the core of most financial conflicts with couples. Couples need to start talking about money well before they decide to make a long-term commitment to each other. Start by sharing your credit reports with each other. It isn't about who has the better credit score or higher debt, but about sharing your values around money.

Regular conversations about money can help prevent financial infidelity and fights and help to align financial goals. In some cases, these discussions may be helped by a third party, either a financial therapist or a certified financial planner.

— Jay Zigmont, founder, Childfree Wealth

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7. Caring for the In-Laws

The most significant financial conflict for mid-age couples is balancing their own financial goals with the needs of their parents. To help resolve this conflict, the couples should have open conversations about their financial priorities, including the amount of financial support they can provide to their parents.

It is also essential for the couple to consider the long-term implications of their financial decisions and to understand the impact on their financial future. As a family financial advisor, we assist by being an independent third party to the conversation and guiding various options for supporting aging parents, such as long-term care insurance or reverse mortgages.

Working through a financial plan that includes the client’s goals and their parents' needs is the best way to ensure that the couple is making informed decisions about their finances and can help them stay on track toward their financial goals.

— Amar Shah, founder and chief investment officer, Client First Capital

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8. Emotion-Driven Decisions

I believe one of the biggest financial conflicts for couples arises when dividing their assets and debts during the divorce settlement process; part of the reason is that money is emotional.

There are fears and concerns that we won't be able to take care of ourselves and our loved ones. And that fear is real. It comes from a place in our brain that’s trying to protect us. It can evoke the fight, flight or freeze response and keep couples from moving forward effectively. regardless of which of those three responses they're engaging in.

I support couples working through that process by creating clearer communication boundaries and using actual data and reports. These help couples make choices based on information and agreed-upon assumptions that clarify their understanding of both the short- and long-term impacts of their decisions on cash flow and net worth during a very stressful time.

— Michelle Petrowski, financial planner and divorce financial analyst, Being Mindful in Divorce and Being in Abundance

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9. Clashing Money Mindsets

The biggest financial challenge for many couples is money mindset. It’s common where one spouse was raised in a poorer home living paycheck to paycheck while the other was raised in a wealthier environment where money was always there.

The spouse raised in a poorer family may naturally have a “scarcity” mindset around money, an idea that they’ll never have enough and must cling to every dollar they make, fearful of spending. The opposite can also occur where that same spouse actually spends frivolously to overcompensate for the fact they were never able to in childhood and “can afford to” now.

The spouse from a wealthier childhood may have an “abundance” mindset where they spend more freely because money has always been there and they believe it always will be, there’s no need to be so tight. Obviously, a healthy balance between the two is what’s most important.

My parents had opposite money mindsets and behaved poorly around money. I see it in my clients all the time, and I've seen so many limiting beliefs, triggers, fears, assumptions, poor communication, avoidance and other behaviors around money that really sabotage people. I'm a firm believer that 80% of personal finance is behavior, only 20% is head knowledge.

— Jonathan Grannick, owner and financial planner, Wonder Wealth LLC

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10. Yours & Mine vs. 'Ours'

One of the most common financial conflicts amongst couples we see in our practice is "profit sharing" of discretionary cash flow when there is a discrepancy in earnings between each spouse or if one spouse is a homemaker. This comes up when their personal finances are managed separately.

I illustrate to clients what their cash flow would look like if we changed perspective from "yours and mine" to "ours." I jokingly state, "If you get to retirement and one was more diligent than the other with saving for the future, you're not going to leave your partner out to dry if they need additional financial support, are you?" By shifting to an "our money" mindset we simplify tracking cash inflows and outflows and see where every dollar is utilized.

If couples are adamant that they'd like to have their own money, then we make bi-weekly or monthly contributions to their personal accounts and recommend they agree upon a set "allowance" for themselves that can be used for whatever their heart desires without consulting their spouse. This offers a sense of independence while keeping the household trajectory on pace with their goals.

— Michael Acosta, owner, financial planner, Genesis Wealth Planning LLC

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11. Failure to Engage

The biggest issue we see is lack of communication. Typically one individual is in charge of the family's finances; however, it's important the other partner is not in the dark. As advisors, it's our job and goal to remind both parties to be involved in the conversations and financial planning discussions. We recommend making time as a couple to have to review their spending and setting their short-term and long-term goals together.

Honest, open communication about finances is the key to maintaining a healthy relationship and removes a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety. These conversations, along with clear goals and priorities, set you and your partner on the path to building wealth together.

— Jennifer Weber, vice president, financial planning, Weber Asset Management

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12. Hiding Purchases

The biggest financial conflict I see is hiding purchases from each other. It’s tempting to hide purchases from your significant other for fear they wouldn’t allow it. You can resolve this by creating a written budget that includes both household expenses and separate money for personal expenses. This setup lets you avoid hiding things, gives you the autonomy to spend where you wish, and stay on track with your overall financial goals.

[Another] big financial conflict I see comes from an income imbalance between partners. The partner that earns less may feel unequal and uncomfortable with not knowing how much they can spend. You can resolve this by opening up your communication. Consider using a therapist to help you talk through this dynamic in a healthy way and that allows you to both feel comfortable going forward.

— Jonathan Bird, financial advisor, Farnam Financial

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13. What to Do With Excess Cash?

The biggest financial conflict for client couples is often how to handle excess cash. Some people want to spend it, some want to save or invest, and others want to pay down debt as quickly as possible.

In the realm of financial conflicts, this is relatively innocuous because as long as both partners are focused on the same financial goals, the financial planning process can demonstrate to them how to use their money most effectively from an objective standpoint.

Many clients I help are tech or biotech professionals with employer stock options and RSUs, so they often face the challenge of deciding what to do with large amounts of cash that can arrive unevenly over time.

For physicians, incomes arrive later than in other career paths, so they are often balancing large student loans with home buying. In many cases, this also coincides with having children, which is another big change.

— Jeremy Bohne, financial advisor and founder, Paceline Wealth Management

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14. My Way Is the Only Way

In our practice, we see this (money as the source of stress in a relationship) time and time again. The common thread in these conflicts is the blame game, also known as “the Money Talk."

Our understanding of how to handle money is developed at a very young age. Dad may have had a mantra, “Spend it before it’s too late” or Mom said, “A penny saved is a penny earned." Once formed it becomes, in our mind, the only correct way to live with money.

Understanding that there is more than one correct way to live your money life, you can approach your spouse with curiosity. Try to understand his/her money personality. Create a weekly Money Date Night, so that the Money Talk is one that brings understanding and closeness, not stress and conflict.

— Simi Mandelbaum, CEO and founder, PROSPR Financial Wellness LLC

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Couples' 14 Biggest Financial Fights and How to Resolve Them: Advisors' Advice

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More on this topic

1. Saving vs. Spending

2. Small Resentments Add Up

3. 'My Spouse Spends Too Much'

4. Funding Individual Pursuits

5. Now vs. Later

6. Lack of Communication

7. Caring for the In-Laws

8. Emotion-Driven Decisions

9. Clashing Money Mindsets

10. Yours & Mine vs. 'Ours'

11. Failure to Engage

12. Hiding Purchases

13. What to Do With Excess Cash?

14. My Way Is the Only Way

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