The Art of Communicating with Clients

Why butt heads with irksome clients, when instead you can negotiate conflict: much less stressful and far more effective.

In his handy book, Working with Difficult People (DK Publishing-Oct. 2009), Raphael E. Lapin, consultant to Fortune 500 companies and governments worldwide — including AT&T, Yahoo! and the United States Air Force — explains how to develop negotiation and conflict-resolution skills to build trust and overcome resistance.

Founder of Lapin Negotiation Strategies in Los Angeles, the communication specialist is certified in Harvard Law School’s famed Program on Negotiation, having trained under professor emeritus Roger Fisher, originator of powerful negotiation techniques and co-author of the bestselling Getting To Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In (Penguin-1981).

Lapin, 54, is a Johannesburg, South African-born former rabbi with a masters degree in Talmudic law.

He started his consulting practice in San Jose, Calif., mediating high-profile divorces and labor union disputes, then expanded into advising corporations about negotiation strategies.

Here are excerpts from a recent Research chat with this guru of getting the best out of prickly folks:

You write that people are often difficult because we allow them to be difficult. How so?

They’re difficult when a vital interest of theirs is being threatened at that moment. Faced with a difficult person, the first question I ask myself is: What am I doing or not doing that’s enabling them to be difficult? I take responsibility.

Why is listening to what clients are saying so important?

A mistake people make is that they talk more than they listen. They get into pitch mode and start pitching what they think would be appropriate: “Let me tell you what’s good for you.” Really good negotiators and salespeople do very little talking. They do some very good questioning and a lot of listening.

What’s “active listening”?

One way to build trust is for the [client] to know that you’ve heard their needs and understood what they are. That means reflecting back to them what they’ve said: “Let me make sure I’ve understood you accurately. Is what you’re saying A, B, C and D?” The response needs to be a nice, sharp, crisp “yes.” Active listening is essential as a check for understanding.

Why is it vital to paraphrase clients?

To build rapport and trust, it’s not a matter of just saying, “Yes, I hear you.” I have to demonstrate that I’ve listened and taken you seriously. Then the [client's] response is: This guy seems to be taking time to actually understand me.

How do you make clients listen to what you’re telling them?

As much as 65 percent of what the talker says is missed by the listener because they’re busy framing their response. How absurd is that — thinking up a response to something they’re not listening to?

The only way I can make sure you listen to me is to liberate you from thinking about what you’re going to say. Active listening makes people feel adequately heard and understood. That makes them less compelled to think about what they want to get in because they’ve already got it in.

What’s the best way to handle a client who angrily blames the advisor for their account’s losing value?

This is dealing with emotions. Active listening is the first step to engage when under attack. Don’t get defensive. Even if they say, “You caused this because you weren’t diligent enough or monitoring carefully,” you’ve got to apply active listening.

A very useful word is “perception” because it acknowledges without agreeing: “If I understand you correctly, your perception is that I was negligent and brought this about.” You’ve got to go through several cycles of active listening while they’re quite emotional until you bring their decibel level down.

Why should advisors make sure not to get defensive?

Defensiveness is not productive in any way. The client isn’t listening to you: They’re too engrossed in their own anger. It allows the situation to deteriorate. You first have to get the emotions down before they start listening. And, of course, grace and professionalism are important at all times.

What about dealing with a client who thinks they know more about investing than the advisor and resists recommendations?

Again, the first thing is not to get defensive because once that happens, it shuts down dialogue rather than fostering it. You want to keep dialogue open, not block it. You need to listen carefully, then ask: “How would this investment meet the goals that you’ve [previously identified]? What do you think some of the risks might be? Are there ways of mitigating those risks?”

So prompt them to talk more about their inadvisable idea?

Yes, explore it together. Walk alongside them; don’t counter and confront them. Pace along with them. Ask them some good questions. This way, you can lead them out of it: “There may be some other options. Let’s talk a little about that.”

Advisors often use financial jargon that goes over clients’ heads and intimidates them. Any thoughts?

One of the important skills is the capability to put oneself in the other party’s shoes. Imagine you were the clients. They don’t know anything about finances. All they know is that they’re nervous about preserving their assets and don’t necessarily have confidence in anybody trying to sell them services. Put yourself in their shoes and ask yourself: How would I react to such a person [spouting esoteric terms]?