How to Get It Right

What’s wrong with the copy? To start, the first thing you want to tell about yourself should not be your location. It should be about how you help people. So the first sentence wastes a reader’s time and misses an opportunity to get started on the right foot. Furthermore, unless you’re doing a lot of business nationally, nobody really cares what region of the country you are in.

But the big problem with this marketing copy is that it is self-centered: “We do this,” and “We do that.” It’s just “we, we, we.” The fact is, your typical prospect doesn’t care much about you or your firm; he cares about himself and his money (or herself and her money).

And why even use the word “client” in your marketing copy? Whenever you call someone a client, it reminds her she’s paying you, that it’s a business relationship. In fact, this nearly amounts to an insult to the personal relationships most financial advisors have with their clients.

Moreover, the text is laden with jargon about tax efficiency, total investment cost, and risk tolerance. Most normal people don’t know what this stuff means. You’re too close to the topic to write about it unless you know how to avoid using words like these. Instead, stress the benefits and value of getting a professional advisor. And you should be specific. I took a crack at rewriting the bad copy and here’s what I think would be better.

Welcome to ABC Wealth!

When your life savings are at stake, you need advice you can trust. You need a financial advisor who is objective; someone who is not paid more to sell you one product rather than another. You need a relationship with a firm that promises always to put your interests first, a firm with proven experience and the right professional credentials.

ABC Wealth, serving greater Greenfield since 1996, can give you the peace of mind that comes with knowing you have planned prudently for your future. Your investments will be conservative, so you won’t worry about running out of money during retirement. Your loved ones can be protected. You can set aside money to send your children to college and create a plan to achieve whatever you want from life. Federally regulated by the U.S. Securities & Exchange Commission, ABC is a Registered Investment Adviser offering high-net-worth individuals personal advice delivered by two Certified Financial Planner practitioners, a Chartered Financial Analyst, and a support staff dedicated to personal service.