Nos. 1-3: Warning: Dad Jokes Ahead!

Here are a few one-liners for you to start breaking the ice and get quick laughs:
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Sources: Retirement Stories, and UpJokes. (Photo: Shutterstock)

Nos. 4-6: Warning: More Dad jokes ahead!

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What do mathematicians call retirement?
Answer: Aftermath.
Sources: Retirement Stories, and UpJokes. (Photo: Shutterstock)

No. 7: Is happiness on a Monday morning relative?

“What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? Retired.” – Unknown
Sources: Fairy God Boss. (Photo: Shutterstock)

No. 8: If planned correctly, retirement could be great

“The money's no better in retirement, but the hours are.” – Anonymous
Sources: The Quote Garden. (Photo: Shutterstock)

No. 9: Not a Freudian slip…

A man had six children and was very proud of this achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.
One night during their retirement years, they went to a party. The man was ready to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion for so many years, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Sources: Retirement Quotes. (Photo: Shutterstock)

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No. 10: Ah, that’s why there’s heavy morning traffic!

“I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.” – Unknown
Sources: Fairy God Boss. (Photo: Shutterstock)

No. 11: How not to feel guilty for doing nothing…

“Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.” - Gene Perret, writer and producer known for The Carol Burnett Show.
Sources: Homemade Gifts. (Photo: Shutterstock)

No. 12: It’s all about the numbers…

“The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.” – Milton Berle, comedian and actor.
Sources: BrainyQuote. (Photo: Shutterstock)

No 13: Don’t fall for it!

“Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.” - Malcolm Forbes, entrepreneur most notably known as the publisher of the Forbes magazine, which was founded by his father.
Sources: Quotes.net. (Photo: Shutterstock)

No. 14: Love at first sight, 87 years later…

Maurice, an 87-year-old man, was very happy living in a nursing home just outside Stubbington, Hampshire, England. After meeting Edna, a 76-year-old lady, he grew even happier and fell deeply in love. Maurice finally plucked up the courage, got down on his knees and told Edna there were two things he would like to ask her. Edna smiled and replied, “Alright.”
Maurice asked softly, “Will you marry me?”
Delighted, Edna answered him, “Yes.” She then asked Maurice what his second question was.
He replied, “Edna, will you please help me to get up?”
Sources: Will and Guy’s Funny Retirement Jokes. (Photo: Shutterstock)

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No. 15: What’s a wife to do?

“When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband, but only half the income.” – Chi Chi Rodríguez, professional golfer and winner of eight PGA Tours.
Sources: The Quote Garden. (Photo: Shutterstock)

(Related: 10 Happiest Retirement Places in the US)

More than being just an ice breaker at a networking event, conference or client meeting, humor helps us internalize and reflect on impactful life changes, such as retirement. While some of these jokes might be funny because they hit home with unabashed truthfulness, others could potentially fall under the broad category of “dad jokes.” A well-timed joke could make – or break – a great opening during a presentation; just make sure to “read the room,” know your audience first and use them wisely.

Here are some of the best retirement jokes that we could find with a few “wisdom nuggets” from authors, business moguls and even sports legends.

And never forget that with great “joke-ability” comes great responsibility.


Lynette Gil is a journalist, content marketer and social media expert based in Colorado.