We have all been there, when a coworker or boss says something that is hilarious … and you have to control your inner 5-year-old from bursting out laughing. And with the holidays around the corner, the stress of the season calls for a great laughing session.
So, with this in mind, we set out to find the funniest or craziest office jokes and stories on the Internet to melt that stress away. Plus, it could help polish your stand-up comedy act at your holiday party (not that we recommend this…).
Great joke for when you’re asking for a raise:
Sam walks into his boss’s office and says:
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5 percent raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.
“By the way,” asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?”
“The electric company, water company, and phone company,” Sam replied.
I’m a light bulb
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
Silence is a precious thing:
The business I work for had a dinner together with all family members. Before the first speech, the emcee gave the following announcement, “We kindly ask if you can please put all cell phones and children on vibrate.”
Not what we meant…
A man was walking down the street and saw a sign in a store window that said, “Help Wanted,” so the man ran in the store and yelled out, “What’s wrong?!”
Just fake it ’til you make it…
A young businessman had just started his own firm.
He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Hoping to look like a hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working on a big, important business deal.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
Who’s the boss?
The boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn’t respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office, he came in the next day with a sign for his door that said, “I am the boss.”
One of the employees, apparently not appreciating the change, posted a post-it-note on the sign that said, “your wife wants her sign back.”
What the boss says…
An employee is getting to know her new coworkers when the topic of her last job comes up.
“Why did you leave that job?” asked one coworker.
“It was something my boss said,” she replied.
“What did he say?” the coworker quizzed.
It’s part of my job…
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.”
“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”
“Please don’t!” said the dog. “If he finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone, too!”
Not joking about getting overpaid…
An employee approached his boss regarding a dispute on his paycheck.
Employee: “Sir, this is $100 less than my salary.”
Boss: “I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn’t complain!”
Employee: “Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake, sir, but it seems to be becoming a habit, now!”
How to get out of some situations…
An employee goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says the employee “I knew I could count on you!”
Answering a question with the right words
A man is hiring for an accounting position and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls. The first accountant walks in and starts to introduce himself.
Accountant 1: “I’m here for the accounting position.”
Boss: What’s 2+2?”
Accountant 1: “4.”
Boss: “Get out.”
Sad, disappointed, and a little confused, the accountant slowly leaves the office. Then, a second accountant comes in.
Accountant 2: “I’m here for the accounting position.”
Boss: “What’s 2+2?”
Accountant 2: “4.”
Boss: “Get out.”
Just as confused as the first accountant, the second accountant leaves thinking that if the boss is that stupid he doesn’t want to work there anyways. On the way out, a new accountant walks into the office.
Accountant 3: “Hi. I’m here for accounting position.”
Boss: “What’s 2+2?”
Accountant 3: “Anything you want it to be.”
Boss: “You’re hired.”
An important interview question
Always self conscious about his lack of ears, whenever Bob would interview a future employee, he would ask him: “What do you notice that’s different about me?” If the employee would mention his lack of ears (which often they did), it would be a for sure “no” for the job.