Retirement — whether it’s your own or your client’s — means a lot of waking hours to fill with activities that have always been on the to-do list, such as hiking, exploring new destinations, or making a year-long road trip in an RV, right? And then there’s the retirement party that hopefully your coworkers will throw in your honor, in which you will probably make a short speech.
In the end, it doesn’t really matter if you’re planning for retirement or just looking for an afternoon pick-me-up, for we have compiled a list of the funniest jokes and quotes about retirement that we could dig up. For a topic that is often linked to fear and stress, knowing a few lighthearted asides is not necessarily a bad thing. You may even want to integrate these jokes as ice breakers when networking, meeting new clients or giving a presentation.
What are your favorite jokes about retirement? Leave them in the comments section below. Who knows, maybe your joke will be featured in our next “best of” series.
Who ya gonna call? Fly swatters!
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”
Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
A not-so-nice Canadian?
An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
“You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”
The Canadian said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”
“Impossible, Canadians always have to show their passports on arrival in France!”
The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”
It hurts all over!
The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.”
The doctor replies, “OK. Touch your elbow.” The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, then states, “Touch your head.”
The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts a lot.
The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. He tells the guy to come back in two days.
Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, “We’ve found your problem.”
“Oh yeah? What is it?” asks the retiree.
“You’ve broken your finger!”
What is a “weekend”?
“The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” – Abe Lemons
Question: Why do retirees smile all the time?
Answer: Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
Question: How do you know you’re old enough to retire?
Answer: Instead of lying about your age, you start bragging about it!
“I’m 103 years old.”
A reporter was interviewing a 103-year-old woman. “And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.
She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
What is a TV?
Back in my day, we didn’t watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.
Albert’s retirement party presentation
“Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no. So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.”
Thou dost better study-eth …
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me … they were cramming for their finals.
Getting a great education…
A World War II veteran earned his high school diploma when he was 91 years old, 74 years after dropping out. When asked what happens next, he said: “College girls.”
What happens in Vegas or the mountains will come back …
One weekend Joe was enticed to go skiing with an old acquaintance, Rolly. They loaded up Rolly’s truck and headed into the mountains. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard as they approached the foothills.
They pulled into a nearby farm. An attractive retired woman answered the door. Joe and Rolly asked if they could spend the night.
“I know that it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I know that the neighbors will talk and tell the world if I let the two of you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Joe replied. “The two of us will be happy to sleep in the barn. Once the weather breaks, we will be out of here immediately headed for the mountains.” The woman agreed, and Joe and Rolly settled in for the night.
Early morning arrived and the weather had cleared. Joe and Rolly left without saying goodbye. They made it safely to the mountains and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
Nine months later, Joe got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow that Rolly and he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on Rolly at the coffee bar and asked, “Rolly, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm where we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about nine months ago?”
“Of course I do,” replied Rolly.
“I am just curious,” stated Joe. “Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, while I was fast asleep, and go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Yeah, I confess” Rolly sheepishly replied, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name,” continued Joe with his questioning, “instead of telling her your real name?”
Rolly’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, old buddy. I’m afraid I did. By the way, what brought this up? Why do you ask?”
“She just died,” declared Joe, “and left me everything in her will.”
What a (lower back) pain …
You’re over the hill when your back goes out more than you do.
It’s all about using the right words…
Girl: My grandfather lived for 96 years and he never used glasses.
Boy: Yeah I know. Few people drink directly from the bottle.
A. A. A. D. D. – Classic Retirement Syndrome
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.