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31 of the Best Retirement Jokes

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Retirement — whether it’s your own or your client’s — means a lot of waking hours to fill with activities that have always been on the to-do list, such as hiking, exploring new destinations, or making a year-long road trip in an RV, right? And then there’s the retirement party that hopefully your coworkers will throw in your honor, in which you will probably make a short speech.

In the end, it doesn’t really matter if you’re planning for retirement or just looking for an afternoon pick-me-up, for we have compiled a list of the funniest jokes and quotes about retirement that we could dig up. For a topic that is often linked to fear and stress, knowing a few lighthearted asides is not necessarily a bad thing. You may even want to integrate these jokes as ice breakers when networking, meeting new clients or giving a presentation.

What are your favorite jokes about retirement? Leave them in the comments section below. Who knows, maybe your joke will be featured in our next “best of” series.

Who ya gonna call? Fly swatters!

A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.

Wife: “What are you doing dear?”

Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”

Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”

Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”


A not-so-nice Canadian?

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

“You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”

The Canadian said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

“Impossible, Canadians always have to show their passports on arrival in France!”

The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”


It hurts all over!

The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.”

The doctor replies, “OK. Touch your elbow.” The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.

The doctor, surprised, then states, “Touch your head.”

The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts a lot.

The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. He tells the guy to come back in two days.

Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, “We’ve found your problem.”

“Oh yeah? What is it?” asks the retiree.

“You’ve broken your finger!”


What is a “weekend”?

“The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” – Abe Lemons


Zing! One-liners:

Question: Why do retirees smile all the time?

Answer: Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

Question: How do you know you’re old enough to retire?

Answer: Instead of lying about your age, you start bragging about it!


“I’m 103 years old.”

A reporter was interviewing a 103-year-old woman. “And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.

She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”


What is a TV?

Back in my day, we didn’t watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.


Albert’s retirement party presentation

“Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no. So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.”


Thou dost better study-eth …

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me … they were cramming for their finals.


Getting a great education…

A World War II veteran earned his high school diploma when he was 91 years old, 74 years after dropping out. When asked what happens next, he said: “College girls.”


What happens in Vegas or the mountains will come back …

One weekend Joe was enticed to go skiing with an old acquaintance, Rolly. They loaded up Rolly’s truck and headed into the mountains. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard as they approached the foothills.

They pulled into a nearby farm. An attractive retired woman answered the door. Joe and Rolly asked if they could spend the night.

“I know that it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I know that the neighbors will talk and tell the world if I let the two of you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Joe replied. “The two of us will be happy to sleep in the barn. Once the weather breaks, we will be out of here immediately headed for the mountains.” The woman agreed, and Joe and Rolly settled in for the night.

Early morning arrived and the weather had cleared. Joe and Rolly left without saying goodbye. They made it safely to the mountains and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

Nine months later, Joe got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow that Rolly and he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on Rolly at the coffee bar and asked, “Rolly, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm where we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about nine months ago?”

“Of course I do,” replied Rolly.

“I am just curious,” stated Joe. “Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, while I was fast asleep, and go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Yeah, I confess” Rolly sheepishly replied, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to use my name,” continued Joe with his questioning, “instead of telling her your real name?”

Rolly’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, old buddy. I’m afraid I did. By the way, what brought this up? Why do you ask?”

“She just died,” declared Joe, “and left me everything in her will.”


What a (lower back) pain …

You’re over the hill when your back goes out more than you do.


It’s all about using the right words…

Girl: My grandfather lived for 96 years and he never used glasses.

Boy: Yeah I know. Few people drink directly from the bottle.


A. A. A. D. D. – Classic Retirement Syndrome

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: They need to be watered.

I place the Coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flower vase, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

  • The car isn’t washed.
  • The bills aren’t paid.
  • There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the work surface.
  • The flowers don’t have enough water.
  • There is still only one check in my checkbook.
  • I can’t find the TV remote.
  • I can’t find my glasses and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today. I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my email.

P.S. I just remembered I left the water running…


Young vs. old (rooster)

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop to replace an old rooster who was pretty much in retirement.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says: “OK, old fart, time for you to retire for good. You should have been in retirement a long time ago.”

The old rooster replies: “Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens and three or four young hens? This will save you from having to enter retirement before your time.”

The young rooster says: “Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over. Full retirement will do you good.”

The old rooster says: “I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”

The young rooster laughs and says: “You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.”

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about five feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The farmer grabs his shotgun and — BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits and pieces — the ultimate retirement for him — long before his time.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says: “Darn it — third gay rooster I bought this month.”

The moral of this story is: Don’t mess with the older, retired individuals of this world. Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance.


The perfect answering service recording

“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”


Practice makes perfect.

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides. When he finished he said in farewell, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”


Remixes of famous songs:

“You’re So Varicose Vein” by Carly Simon.

“How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?” by the BeeGees.

“I Can’t See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash.

“These Boots Give Me Arthritis” by Nancy Sinatra.

“Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom” by the Commodores.

“I Get By with a Little Help from Depends” by the Beatles.

“Talking’ About My Medication” by the Who.

“Bald Thing” by the Troggs.

“You Can’t Always Pee When You Want” by the Rolling Stones.

“I Heard It through the Grape Nuts” by Marvin Gaye.


When the retirement age comes around…

What is so special about the age 65?

It is the time when one acquires sufficient experience to lose one’s job through forced retirement.


You know you are a retiree when 

    1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
    2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
    3. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
    4. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
    5. You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
    6. Getting “lucky” means you remember where you left your car in the car park.
    7. Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt; doesn’t work.
    8. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
    9. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.
    10. You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.


20 perks of being over 60 …

    1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
    2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
    3. No one expects you to run — anywhere.
    4. People call at 9pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”
    5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
    6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
    7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
    8. You can eat dinner at 4pm.
    9. You cannot live without your glasses.
    10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
    11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
    12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
    13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
    14. You sing along with elevator music.
    15. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
    16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
    17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
    18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
    19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
    20. You can’t remember the Website where you saw this list.


If Grandpa Joe could hear us … oh, he can?

An elderly gentleman who had had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100 percent.

The elderly gentleman went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

To which the gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”


Not retiring any time soon …

What do you call a worker who is of retirement age, hates his job, and refuses to retire?

Flat broke!


Murphy’s law…

Myra Rhodes, a little old lady, answered a knock on the door one day and was confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning, ma’am,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said Myra. “I’m broke and haven’t got any money,” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty,” he commanded. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma’am, I will personally eat the remainder,” he said.

Myra stepped back and said with a smile said, “Well let me get you a spoon, young man, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”


In world without Mondays…

Hey, retired guy, how many days are there in a week?

Retiree’s answer: Six Saturdays and one Sunday.


For the rest of your life, until your next refill …

A distraught senior phoned her doctor’s office.

“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”


There’s always one joke about lightbulbs…

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it will take him two or three days to complete the job.


Truth …

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.


What happens after each profession retires…

    • Golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.
    • Lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away.
    • Accountants don’t retire, they just lose their balance.
    • Bank managers don’t retire, they just lose interest.
    • Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.
    • Teachers don’t retire, they just mark time.
    • Roofers don’t retire, they just wipe the slate clean.
    • Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.
    • Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.
    • Musicians never retire, they just decompose.
    • Farmers never retire, they just go to seed.
    • Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.
    • Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.
    • Painters never retire, they just put a gloss on it.
    • Tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out.


Not blaming inflation, but …

An elderly man remembers the good old days: “When I was young, my mom could send me to a shop with a single dollar bill and I would bring back five pounds of potatoes, two pounds of bread, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. Nowadays that’s impossible – there are simply to many security cameras.”


Even if you don’t have the “Heart of the Ocean” necklace…

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.

“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”


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