1. A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head. Wife: “What are you doing, dear?” Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females” Wife: “How on earth do you know which gender they were?” Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
2. “The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” – Abe Lemons
3. Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime? | Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
4. A reporter was interviewing a 103-year-old woman. “And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
5. Presenting this commercial
6. “Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no. So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.”
7. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me … they were cramming for their finals.
8. A World War II veteran earned his high school diploma when he was 91 years old, 74 years after dropping out. When asked what happens next, he said: “College girls.”
9. You know you’re over the hill when your back goes out more than you do.
10. “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
11. A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides. When he finished he said in farewell, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”
12. Remixes of famous songs: “You’re So Varicose Vein” by Carly Simon. | “How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?” by the BeeGees. | “I Can’t See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash. | “These Boots Give Me Arthritis” by Nancy Sinatra. | “Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom” by the Commodores.
13. What is so special about the age of 65? It is the time when one acquires sufficient experience to lose one’s job through forced retirement.
14. You know you are a retiree when …You and your teeth don’t sleep together. | You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any. | It takes two tries to get up from the couch. | Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
15. An elderly gentleman who had had serious hearing problems went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid. The elderly gentleman went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” To which the gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
16. What do you call a worker who is of retirement age, hates his job, and refuses to retire? Flat broke!
17. A distraught senior phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”
18. Q: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it will take him two or three days to complete the job.
19. The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
20. What happens after each profession retires … Golfers never retire, they just lose their drive. | Lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away. | Accountants don’t retire, they just lose their balance. | Teachers don’t retire, they just mark time.
21. An elderly man remembers the good old days: “When I was young, my mom could send me to a shop with a single dollar bill and I would bring back five pounds of potatoes, two pounds of bread, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. Nowadays that’s impossible – there are simply to many security cameras.”
22. An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.” “But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”
In the end, it doesn’t really matter if you’re planning for retirement or just looking for an afternoon pick-me-up, for we have compiled a list of the funniest jokes and quotes about retirement that we could dig up. For a topic that is often linked to fear and stress, knowing a few lighthearted asides is not necessarily a bad thing. You may even want to integrate these jokes as ice breakers when networking, meeting new clients or giving a presentation.