(Bloomberg) — Millennial, n., sometimes adj., probably even v. occasionally: the generation roughly defined as those born between 1980 and 2000. Or between about 1980 and 1996. 1982 and 2000. 1982 and 2004. 1985 and 1998. 1985 and 2000. The late 1970s to the mid-1990s. Stop trying to define us!
Generation Y. Generation Why. Generation Vex. Generation Stress. Generation Frustration. The Lamest Generation. The Crash Generation. The Me Me Me Generation. Those lazy, spoiled brats plotting cataclysmic revenge from the depths of their baby-boomer parents’ basements against the society, and economy — that relegated them to their baby-boomer parents’ basements — where, I might add, the service is so weak they can barely send their daily fill of salacious Snapchats.
I made that last one up. Because, you know, I’m a millennial, so: creativity. YOLO.
By now, you probably know all about millennials. 2013 was a really big year for us, especially in the U.S. We took so many actions! We had so many thoughts! We experienced so many feelings! It’s hard to know where to begin.
If you don’t believe me — and you probably shouldn’t, because millennials lie to get by — look at the charts from Google Trends. Because I’m a millennial, and millennials’ most-loved brand is Google. Many of us apparently even admit to having Google Plus accounts. Right.
We also love Cormac McCarthy. And pizza. We’re “obsessed with Marie Antoinette.” You could maybe even call us “the Passion Generation.”
It’s not all gushy. We’ve fallen out of love with President Barack Obama. We officially hate him. A lot of us don’t support Obamacare. Many of us say we’re probably not going to enroll through the government exchanges, even if we’re allowed.
We should probably talk about health insurance. But only while wearing plaid onesies and sipping hot chocolate. Did I say “insurance”? I meant “brosurance.” You need us to buy brosurance because we’re invincible. Unless you ask Tom Brokaw: He applauds our wariness. When you creep us out with that lifesize Uncle Sam puppet — yeah, then we’re definitely wary.
Only 32 percent of us think the U.S. is the greatest country in the world. We’re pessimistic about Washington (the government, not the state). But that may just be because the government is at war against us. How do we know? Because we’re not as politically disengaged as you might think.
At any rate, our dislike of Washington doesn’t prevent us from moving there. There we can find three millennials who are trying “to sell their peers on the District.” This is all good for Washington because “millennials make cities a better place to live — for everyone.”
What else? We love to hate the bad columns people write about us. Lena Dunham, our unofficial millennial spokesperson — no, no, actually, she’s not the voice of my generation. “Girls” gets our lives “so totally wrong.” Remember, we’re not all white and privileged!
We’re “cord nervers,” but “Breaking Bad” made us watch live TV. Some of us live in communes. Others knit with arms instead of needles. A bunch are attempting to be … witches?
We’re the most educated generation in U.S. history, and we don’t want careers in the business world. At the same time, many of us do value job security. We can’t find old-school mentors. We don’t see eye to eye with our managers. We like them, but they’re not so sure about us. We think we deserve promotions. We want to be the boss. Some of us should be making more phone calls at work. Some of us text or answer calls or carry pets to job interviews. Others bring parents to job interviews. No, like, into job interviews.
Did I say parents? I meant peer-ents. Their helicoptering has doomed us: We can’t think for ourselves. We’re still proud of Mom’s baking recipe.