It’s Not Working

In this case, a sensitive interview with the wife can help you see whether she refuses to admit that their finances are stressed, or simply feels embarrassed about reducing her level of giving. Women are often extremely supportive of causes they feel connected to. In fact, women at every income level give more money, more often, to charitable causes than men do, according to a 2010 study by the Women’s Philanthropy Institute at the Indiana University Center on Philanthropy.

Once you follow suit with the husband, you’ll be able to apply your professional understanding of their finances to see if they really need to “hang on to every dollar” or still have enough leeway to keep up their philanthropic giving. If their circumstances are reduced but not desperate, you can help the wife realistically adjust her giving to reflect their new situation, while encouraging the husband to relax his instinct to hunker down and hoard every penny.

Q: My client’s doctor has warned him that after decades of 80-hour workweeks, he needs to retire to a less pressured life. However, the prospect of quitting work makes him feel depressed and useless. His wife died years ago, and he believes his children and grandchildren have no interest in “the old man.” He claims he doesn’t have enough money to retire, although I’ve reassured him about this so often that I suspect it’s just an excuse to keep working. I don’t like to stand by and watch him ruin his health, but what can I do?
A: Does your client have any hobbies or special interests—anything that gives him pleasure in his (admittedly scant) spare time? Is he involved in any groups that aren’t related to work, such as a veterans’ club, community organization, or alumni association? How about his health: Does he eat well and stay active? How does he feel about living to a ripe old age? I would also ask if he has any friends who have flourished after retiring. If not, tell him about clients or friends of your own who have adopted a fulfilling new lifestyle after leaving their jobs.

This conversation will help you uncover whether your client is already coasting toward depression, and what resources he could realistically tap to transition into a less stressful life. Explore with him the possibility of part-time work. Ask him also if he has any desire to travel, to do something new and different, or to volunteer and make the world a better place.

Once you’ve discussed this in depth with him (ideally over lunch or in some other relaxed situation), show him again that he is financially well-off. If he still seems doubtful, ask what he would need to hear or see in order to be convinced that he doesn’t need to earn more money. I wager that he fears stopping work will take away his reason for living. He may believe that without a job to go to, he might as well die. Maybe he believes he will die.

If this anxiety underlies his reluctance to retire, talk to him about hard-working people you know who are now enjoying a long, fulfilling life in their Third Age. This will let the two of you segue into a discussion about how he can create a meaningful life outside of work, so his worst fears don’t come to pass.

Q: A gay couple I work with are now retired and feeling the strain of a recession-pinched portfolio. They have a business idea they would like to develop, but are concerned that the stress of being business partners will damage their longtime personal relationship—they are already quarreling a lot about money worries. Is there a way they can assess the risk before committing to this venture?
A: If this couple’s relationship is already tense, I would tactfully recommend good couples counseling or therapy, which can help them move from their “stress mode” of relating to one another (which tends to be dysfunctional) to their more rational, adult positive mode. You might ask them to brainstorm low-cost ways to reconnect.

As for becoming business partners, why don’t they just try it? On two conditions, though: First, that they make their “tryout” an actual trial run of three to six months; and second, that they hire a business coach who can help them work with any partnership issues to maximize their chance of success.

Some close couples—married or otherwise—are able to work well together, complementing and supporting each other. If your clients discover they’re well-paired professionally, they will still need to set limits so that work doesn’t swallow up their personal lives. That’s why I would suggest that you help them carefully explore their fears and fantasies, and advise them to seek professional assistance (couples therapy and a business coach) in preparation for a trial run.

As more and more boomers reach 62, 65, or whatever, they will confront the adjustments that result from trying to transform retirement into “renewment.” My hope is that this process will become less lonely as a result of more creative sharing of resources, ideas and solutions to old and new problems.

You can help your clients make the transition more smoothly if you take time to listen, to explore options, to brainstorm solutions, to share success stories of others who have gone before and to suggest resources that can assist with problems or areas of weakness. Most important of all, try to help your clients envision a positive future grounded in financial reality, so their “not working” (or working less) phase can truly become a Third Age of renewal.