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February 01, 2010 at 02:00 AM
So, how did you do with your New Year’s resolutions? Uh-huh. Me, too. This is the month of Valentine’s Day, our annual celebration of love, but many of us are in the throes of disappointment, self-recrimination, and shame from having failed to move as far toward our best selves as we intended.
It’s often a challenge to accept shortcomings in ourselves and our loved ones, and to feel compassion and acceptance toward clients and colleagues when they “fail” us or themselves in some way. In hopes of making February a true season of love, this column is dedicated to everyone who struggles with feelings of having broken their own resolutions and betrayed the trust of others.
Q: I promised my wife and twin girls that I’d get home earlier from the office to spend more time with them. I meant it sincerely, but in spite of my good intentions, something always crops up to keep me working late. My family is mad at me, and I’m angry with myself. Why can’t I find the will power to keep my promise? And how do I deal with this failure?
A: Many of us are afflicted with a form of workaholic behavior that makes it difficult to carve out “sacred space” for our loved ones. If there was more social pressure against long, grueling workdays, it might help us set better limits on our professional life.
In the meantime, I would suggest that you get clearer on what keeps seducing you away from your good intentions. For the next ten days, jot down exactly what you are working on after normal business hours. When the ten days are up, review your notes. Was the work you did really important enough to justify breaking your promise to your family? If so, could it have been squeezed in earlier in the day, or delegated ahead of time to an associate? What did you tell yourself to justify staying late to get it done?
Your takeaway from this exercise could be what you need to break out of your self-limiting pattern. As Samuel Beckett wrote in Waiting for Godot, “habit is a great deadener.”
You may find procrastination is a major contributor to your long workdays. In Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions (HarperCollins, 2008), author Dan Ariely devotes a chapter to explaining why so many people struggle with this problem. To change your behavior, Ariely, a behavioral economist at MIT, recommends increasing the cost of acting against your best interest via a fine or other sacrifice (not too severe). I’m usually a proponent of positive reinforcement–a reward if you do what’s hard and good for you–but this is interesting food for thought.
Once you know more about why you’ve been lapsing, apologize sincerely to your wife and your daughters and discuss with them how you plan to keep your promise from now on. You may find your original resolution was unrealistic and needs to be modified. For example, instead of committing to leaving the office on time every day, you might promise to depart promptly at least three nights a week, with no more than an hour extra on the other nights.
Some flexibility on all sides is crucial. After thanking his wife, Sumi, and singing her praises in Predictably Irrational, Ariely closes by vowing, “Sumi, tonight I will be home at seven-fifteen at the latest; make it eight o’clock, maybe eight-thirty; I promise.”
So you’re not alone. But don’t use that as an excuse to give up the laudable goal of spending more quality time with your family. They need it, and so do you.
Q: A colleague of mine feels he has to pick up the tab every time he goes to lunch with clients, business associates, or friends. When he asked me for advice on how to rein in this expensive habit, I advised him to let everyone take turns paying. The last time he and I lunched with another planner, I told him it was my turn to buy, but he insisted on grabbing the check anyway. I’m irritated that he asked for my advice and then turned it down. Should I say something to him, or just let it go?
A: First, simmer down and ask yourself why his behavior annoys you so. Do you feel he jerked you around? Has he inadvertently jabbed old hurts or wounds, causing you to take his act of self-sabotage personally?
Once you feel more in touch with your own triggers and less reactive toward what happened, I do think you should talk to your colleague. At a time when you’re not feeling stressed, say something like, “I’m confused about whether you really want me to help you cut back your spending. Is there something I can truly do to help, or do you want me to back off and let you tackle it on your own?” You can admit to him how you felt when he invited your assistance but ignored your attempt to help him. Is he on board with the idea of taking turns buying lunch, or would he prefer a different solution?
