Child Is Father to the Man

Some fathers refuse to give up authority even if their son’s expertise in a particular area is greater than their own. Part of your task is to help sons like these claim their own authority despite their father’s failure to acknowledge their gifts. At the same time, you can try to encourage stubborn fathers to let go of their pride and arrogance and be more open to their son’s unique qualities.

Absentee Dad Syndrome

When a boy mouths off, acts out, or otherwise rebels against authority, a dad who puts in 70-hour weeks at the office might be tempted to say to the mom, “Don’t blame me for the way he’s turned out. I wasn’t even here!” But growing up without the presence of an accepting, supportive father can cause as many problems as anything a more involved mother may have said or done.

In a landmark Psychology Today article titled “Fathers & Sons” (September 1993), Atlanta psychiatrist Dr. Frank Pittman observed that when the Industrial Revolution made it necessary for someone to leave home to work, it was the father who usually ended up bringing home the bacon. Often coming home only at night and on weekends, these “provider” dads became less and less involved in parenting. Instead, they found other roles in the family, such as disciplinarian (“Wait till your father comes home!”) or audience (“Tell Daddy what you did today”).

Dr. Pittman believes that many fathers have become so fixated on succeeding at work that they have “moved out” of the house emotionally. I would add that divorce, separation, and non-negotiable job pressures swell the ranks of absentee dads. This leaves many sons with what Dr. Pittman calls “father hunger,” longing for a closer physical and emotional connection with their dad.

In short, he suggests that the traditional patriarchal presence, which overwhelmed and intimidated sons for millennia, has over the past 200 years become a deficiency in many families: “too little father.” Instead of fearing an all-powerful sire, today’s sons are more likely to long for their father to love them, bond with them, teach them, and give them approval and validation.

Money and Masculinity

To make up for their absence, some dads overgive money to their sons, though cash is always a poor substitute for time. In many cases, it also leads to boys growing to adulthood knowing that they’re expected to be good at managing money, without having had any fatherly coaching on how to do it.

Recent research confirms my clinical experience that young men learn about money mainly from their fathers. There are exceptions, of course, if Dad is absent too much or Mom is the family’s primary money manager. But as a rule, sons are deeply affected by their father’s views on finances.

These lessons can start at a relatively early age. Rick Kahler, president of Kahler Financial Group in Rapid City, South Dakota, began giving his son Davin an allowance at age 3. At first, Davin spent the money every week. On one trip to a toy store, Rick said, they ran from toy to toy with Davin asking, “How much?” Rick would tell him if he could afford it or, if not, how many weeks it would take to save up the money. “We had many shopping trips that ended in tears as he painfully figured out that there was far more he wanted than dollars in his pocket,” Rick says. “I’ll never forget the first Saturday he walked out of the store, having bought nothing and with his allowance still in his pocket!”

Paul Feinberg, a retired tax lawyer and estate planner in Cleveland, saw that children of his wealthy clients were often totally in the dark about family assets, and he decided to make sure that wouldn’t be the case with his two boys. Starting when they were in high school with a briefing on family assets and income, he progressed to regular meetings to discuss the family’s financial status.

Paul viewed each stage in his sons’ life as a learning opportunity. When each of them received an inheritance from their grandmother, he coached them about earmarking a small percentage for spending, while saving the lion’s share for important long-term goals. In college, they were given each semester’s expense money upfront to help them gain experience in budgeting. Now 36 and 31, his money-savvy sons also consult with financial advisors to ensure their plans are on track. With open communication and frequent family money meetings, Paul has helped them grow into knowledgeable financial consumers.

Money messages aren’t always communicated through words. Some fathers simply live out their beliefs. Their children often grow up either imitating their behavior, or vowing to be just the opposite. Spender dads may have sons who are spenders or anti-spenders (i.e., hoarders). Workaholic dads may raise sons who either labor as they do, like Ted and Brad Klontz, or react to their work obsession by focusing instead on la dolce vita. The rebellious sons of overly controlling fathers may amass enough money to get out from under Dad’s thumb, or develop a lifestyle that distances them from money as much as possible. “Like father, like son” is sometimes true, and sometimes just the opposite.

Man to Man

As boys grow into men, they struggle with asserting their independence while still yearning for their father’s caring and protection. Since power in our culture often involves money, this ambivalence can show up in a variety of problems and issues that clients bring to your office. By thoughtfully probing the dynamics of the relationship, you may be able to help develop solutions that preserve the dignity of both father and son.

For example, when the two meet as adults, who pays? David Mermelstein, Ph.D., a fellow therapist and friend of mine in Bethesda, Maryland, described his almost comic dilemma when meeting his son Mark for lunch. David would offer to pay. Mark would insist on paying for himself. They’d go back and forth about it. Finally, David got the message. Instead of offering to pay at the end of the meal, he just sat there. So did Mark! After asking his son what was going on, the confused dad eventually uncovered the young man’s mixed feelings: he wanted to feel and appear competent and self-supporting, but also liked to feel under his father’s protective wing. They found a nonverbal solution: when Mark wanted to pay for himself, he would reach for his wallet; if he didn’t, David paid. This gave Mark the flexibility to adjust his needs for independence and fatherly nurturing as time went on.

One of the most precious gifts you can offer a male client is your assistance in helping him forge a respectful and loving relationship with his son or father. When a father denies that his son has grown into capable manhood, the wounds can last for a lifetime. Whatever you can do to promote respect, acceptance, and understanding will gain you the gratitude of current and future clients in both generations.