I could almost handle Labor Day or Columbus Day or Washington’s Birthday (none of that newfangled Presidents’ Day malarkey for me) — they only killed a three-day weekend and I could always press for the close on Tuesday, but other holidays were far worse.
The 4th of July killed anywhere from three to four days depending on what day of the week it fell upon. Thanksgiving shot five days — Wednesday through Sunday (yes, five — nobody works on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving).
But the worst sales drought of all was produced by the procrastination tango choreographed by Christmas and New Year’s.
By the time the ides of December rolled around the reply “see me next year” became a delaying chorus that severely impacted my wallet. I felt Ebenezer’s line of Christmas being “a poor excuse for picking a man’s pocket” was directed towards me personally.
I don’t expect the salaried minions to understand those feelings of woe. After all, unless you are directly compensated for selling service or product, a holiday is a wonderful time when one gets paid for not working (not unlike the two cubicle hours spent daily trolling the Internet for shopping or diversion). Yet even now when my income is not directly affected, holidays are still a frustrating time because I can’t reach people or get things done.
But I have a solution; shorten December to 21 days and create a new 10-day month called Holiday. Throw all of the year’s daily holidays into one giant quagmire of lost productivity and leave the rest of the year for work. Sure, people will probably slough off work from the 15th of December to the 5th of January, leaving a three-week period when nothing gets done, but it can’t be any worse than the three days or more being lost currently for each actual holiday. And if you think my new no-work month will endanger the nation, take a look overseas. The French shut down an entire nation for August and yet civilization still returns every September 1st. Prete a faire la f?te!
Editors note: Mr. Marrion is president of “The Grinch Was Right” organization. He may be reached on January 5th when he returns from holiday.