The original version of this article was published on June 11, 2015. Back when the world was young and the health insurers still thought of HealthCare.gov as a fun new thing to try.
Sometimes you have to laugh a little to ease the stress of a busy work schedule. So, come on, take a break away from the many spreadsheets or calls that are in front of you, relax, sit back and laugh along with us.
We bring you a collection of some of the best insurance jokes that you can use to amuse your coworkers, your clients, and even to break the ice during a conference (just remember to take into consideration the content, context and intent of the joke, which should never insult anyone, unless you’re presenting a roast at Comedy Central). We have also included some of our reader comments and jokes in this article.
Know any good jokes that we missed? Leave them in the comments below.
Some jokes that our readers have posted in our comments:
1. That awkward moment when you deliver a highly rated life insurance policy…
“Whenever I deliver a highly rated life insurance policy, I remind the insured that while the premium may be higher, given their health, they won’t pay nearly so long! Then I smile and chuckle a bit, they chuckle too, and they accept the policy. Deep down, pretty much all people know what their health status really is … so don’t let ‘em blow smoke at you.”
2. Introverts vs. extroverts, and one correction
“What’s the difference between an introverted actuary and an extroverted actuary? An introverted actuary looks at his shoes when he talks to you. An extroverted actuary looks at your shoes . . .”
To which another reader commented: “Oldest joke in the book except it is the difference between an actuary and an accountant.” – Never gets old
3. The real question is: Can your wife really get remarried?
“I was trying to deliver a life insurance policy to a fella who kept insisting to me that his wife could always get remarried. Finally, I blurted out ‘have you looked at her lately?’ He took the policy …”
4. What’s Hobby Lobby got to do with it?
“Question: What do accountants use for birth control? Answer: Their personality.”
Insurance jokes from the internet
5. It’s all about the policy…
Would Transformers buy life insurance … or car insurance?
(From AGordon.com. Photo: Actor Jack Reynor poses for photographers during a press conference for his film “Transformers: Age of Extinction.” AP Photo/Koji Sasahara)
6. Barn and husband insurance
Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Whoah there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.”
There was a long pause before Susan replied, “Then I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”
7. How to start a flood
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”
“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
The puzzled lawyer asked, “How do you start a flood?”
8. What’s in the bucket?
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
“We don’t need any one,” they replied.
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime.”
“We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job.”
He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for an $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
“How in the world did you do that,” they asked.
“I told you I’m the world’s best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime.”
“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”
He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Brown’s and this one is Mr. Smith’s.”
“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”
“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!”
9. Honoring the last wish…
A father told his three sons when he sent them to the university: “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it; as a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”
And so it happened. The sons became a doctor, a lawyer, and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When they saw their father in the coffin one day, they remembered his wish.
First it was the doctor who put ten $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then came the lawyer, who put a $1,000 bill there, too.
Finally, it was the heartbroken financial planner’s turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father’s coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
10. That’s one way to pay those hospital bills …
Mr. Smith was brought to the hospital and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the old man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of the hospital, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Then can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister,” he said.
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun questioned sternly.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters; they are married to God.”
“Wonderful,” said Mr. Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
11. Fast customer service
Three insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each of their companies’ services.
The first one said, “When one of our insureds died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and had mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”
The second one said, “When one of our insureds died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in two hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening.”
The last salesman said, “That’s nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of a tall building. One of our insureds, who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor.”
12. JCPenney sold insurance?!
As part of its direct marketing program, JCPenney sells life insurance over the phone. One of the oddest events these telemarketers had was when they received a phone call from a person wanting to buy life insurance. The person who answered the phone began writing the sale as she normally would, until she got to the new customer’s residence; he was on death row, due to be executed the next day. She had to decline the sale.
13. It had to be snakes
The insurance agent was questioning the cowboy who had applied for a policy.
“Ever have an accident?” he inquired.
“Nope,” the cowboy answered.
“Not even one?” asked the agent, incredulously.
“Nope,” the cowboy insisted. “Rattler bit me once, though.”
“And don’t you call that an accident?” exclaimed the amazed agent.