An insurance agent went to a museum and he accidentally hit a statue. Museum Administrator: “That’s a 500-year-old statue you’ve broken!” Insurance agent: “Thank God! I thought it was a new one.”
A happy insurance boss says to his employees, “You worked very hard this year. As a reward, I’ll give everyone a check for $5,000. If you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks.”
Underwriter’s wife: “You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?" Her husband replied: "When there is a problem, I look at your picture and it disappears. I say to myself, ‘What other problem can there be greater than this one?’”
These two jokes are compliments of students in CE seminars. | Question: Do you know the difference between a man and a whole life policy? | Answer: A whole life policy eventually matures. | Question: Do you know what a woman and insurance have in common? | Answer: They are both expensive and difficult to understand.
“Needing insurance is like needing a parachute. If it isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing it again.”
Two men are sentenced to die by guillotine. The first man steps up and places his head in the hole. Miraculously, the knife stops inches above the man’s neck. The king says, “Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free.” The man walks away, immensely relieved. The second man, an actuary, steps up and puts his head in the guillotine hole. He looks up, and says, “I think I see what the problem is…”
What did God say when he created actuaries? He scratched his head and said, “Go figure!” They took it literally.
A doctor, an engineer and an actuary were arguing about which was the oldest profession. The doctor stated that God created Eve from Adam’s rib, which was of course a surgical procedure. The engineer argued that, earlier, God had created order from chaos, which was an engineering feat. “But,” asked the actuary, “Who created the chaos?”
Question: What’s the difference between an actuary and a Mafia don? | Answer: The actuary can tell you how many people will die this year. The Mafia don can tell you the names of all of them.
An applicant for life insurance was finding the application difficult to complete. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father, who, he explained, had been hanged. The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way,'" the salesman said.
“You ought to feel highly honored,” said the businessman to the life insurance agent. “So far today, I have had my secretary turn away seven insurance agents.” “Yes, I know,” replied the agent, “I’m all of them.”
An insurance sales rep and her manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. A genie emerges and says, "I'll give each of you one wish." The sales rep says, "I want to be in Hawaii with an endless supply of piña coladas and the love of my life." Poof! She's gone. "OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want my sales rep back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
A life insurance agent was completing an application and got to the part on health history. He asked his client how his grandfather died. This was his client’s startling answer: “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”
A retired insurance agent, now in his mid-70′s and about to receive anesthesia, is on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, should perform the operation. The old man signaled to speak to his son. “Yes, Dad, what is it?” asked the son. “Don’t be jittery son, perform your best, and never forget that if it fails, if something should happen to me, your mother will live with you and your wife the rest of her days.”
Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed, “Three weeks? The doctor can’t see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!” Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, “If so, would you please have your wife call to cancel the appointment?”
My dinner party was headed for disaster. One man, an insurance salesman, was monopolizing the conversation with a lengthy account of recent litigation involving himself. Since two other guests were lawyers, I was becoming increasingly uneasy. “In the end,” the salesman concluded, “you know who got all the money?” I cringed when he shouted, “The lawyers!” There was embarrassing silence at the table. My heart was pounding until the wife of one lawyer said, “Oh, I do love a story with a happy ending!”
An agent walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, a genie appeared. “I will grant you two wishes,” announced the genie. “But for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well — only double.” The salesman thought about this for a while. “For my first wish, I would like $10 million,” he said. Instantly, the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10 million had been deposited in it. “But your rival has just received $20 million” the genie said. “And what is your second wish?” “Well,” said the salesman, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for a transplant.”
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
“Do you know the present value of your husband’s policy?” the life insurance agent asked his client. “What do you mean?” countered the woman. “If you should lose your husband, what would you get?” asked the agent. The woman thought for a minute, then brightened up and said, “Probably a poodle.”
An underwriter, an insurance agent, an old lady and a beautiful blonde find themselves together on a train. The train passes through a tunnel and, in the darkness, a loud slap is heard. When the train came out of the tunnel and into the light, they see that the insurance agent has a red five-finger mark on his cheek. The old lady thinks: “That guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him.” The insurance agent thinks: “The underwriter must have groped the blonde in the dark and she mistakenly slapped me instead of him.” The underwriter thinks: “I can’t wait for the next tunnel, so I can slap that insurance agent again!”
Even though insurance is rarely a laughing matter, that doesn’t mean that we can’t sometimes laugh at the silliness of some aspects of this business, or just laugh to melt the stress away. And, after all, the best free medicine is laughter.
We searched high and low on the internet to find some of the best insurance jokes out there and featured them in the slideshow above.
Do you know some jokes that weren’t included in our list? Add them in the comments section below.