An insurance agent went to a museum and he accidentally hit a statue. Museum Administrator: “That’s a 500-year-old statue you’ve broken!” Insurance agent: “Thank God! I thought it was a new one.”
A happy insurance boss says to his employees, “You worked very hard this year. As a reward, I’ll give everyone a check for $5,000. If you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks.”
Underwriter’s wife: “You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?" Her husband replied: "When there is a problem, I look at your picture and it disappears. I say to myself, ‘What other problem can there be greater than this one?’”
These two jokes are compliments of students in CE seminars. | Question: Do you know the difference between a man and a whole life policy? | Answer: A whole life policy eventually matures. | Question: Do you know what a woman and insurance have in common? | Answer: They are both expensive and difficult to understand.
“Needing insurance is like needing a parachute. If it isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing it again.”
Two men are sentenced to die by guillotine. The first man steps up and places his head in the hole. Miraculously, the knife stops inches above the man’s neck. The king says, “Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free.” The man walks away, immensely relieved. The second man, an actuary, steps up and puts his head in the guillotine hole. He looks up, and says, “I think I see what the problem is…”
What did God say when he created actuaries? He scratched his head and said, “Go figure!” They took it literally.
A doctor, an engineer and an actuary were arguing about which was the oldest profession. The doctor stated that God created Eve from Adam’s rib, which was of course a surgical procedure. The engineer argued that, earlier, God had created order from chaos, which was an engineering feat. “But,” asked the actuary, “Who created the chaos?”
Question: What’s the difference between an actuary and a Mafia don? | Answer: The actuary can tell you how many people will die this year. The Mafia don can tell you the names of all of them.
“You ought to feel highly honored,” said the businessman to the life insurance agent. “So far today, I have had my secretary turn away seven insurance agents.” “Yes, I know,” replied the agent, “I’m all of them.”
An insurance sales rep and her manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. A genie emerges and says, "I'll give each of you one wish." The sales rep says, "I want to be in Hawaii with an endless supply of piña coladas and the love of my life." Poof! She's gone. "OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want my sales rep back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
An agent walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, a genie appeared. “I will grant you two wishes,” announced the genie. “But for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well — only double.” The salesman thought about this for a while. “For my first wish, I would like $10 million,” he said. Instantly, the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10 million had been deposited in it. “But your rival has just received $20 million” the genie said. “And what is your second wish?” “Well,” said the salesman, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for a transplant.”
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
“Do you know the present value of your husband’s policy?” the life insurance agent asked his client. “What do you mean?” countered the woman. “If you should lose your husband, what would you get?” asked the agent. The woman thought for a minute, then brightened up and said, “Probably a poodle.”
An underwriter, an insurance agent, an old lady and a beautiful blonde find themselves together on a train. The train passes through a tunnel and, in the darkness, a loud slap is heard. When the train came out of the tunnel and into the light, they see that the insurance agent has a red five-finger mark on his cheek. The old lady thinks: “That guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him.” The insurance agent thinks: “The underwriter must have groped the blonde in the dark and she mistakenly slapped me instead of him.” The underwriter thinks: “I can’t wait for the next tunnel, so I can slap that insurance agent again!”