Are We Having Fun Yet?

All of us are creatures of habit, and fear doing what doesn’t come naturally. But growth, creativity, and intimacy come from stretching our capacity and adopting new behaviors.

Q: My client’s wife would like to take him on a small-ship cruise to celebrate his retirement, but he is opposed to spending on such “luxury.” His idea of traveling is very modest, even though they have more than enough money to go in style. Since she wanted the trip to be a gift to him, she’s very disappointed. Is there anything I can do?

A: You might ask your client to tell you more about his aversion to spending. Are money messages from his past telling him he’s “bad” or “selfish” to indulge himself? He may have grown up in an environment where denying oneself pleasure was a virtue or a necessity. Or perhaps he saw people overspending in ways that seemed disgusting, outrageous, or morally reprehensible to him. If memories like these are reverberating in his head, he will have trouble allowing himself to enjoy the pleasure of a luxury cruise.

If your client is willing to stretch his comfort zone, he may be able to graciously accept the gift his wife would like to give him. But as I’ve often said, people can be more afraid of new pleasure than of their old familiar pain. If the stretch is too much for him, she may need to find a more modest trip that he will be capable of enjoying. If she can let go of her mental picture of what celebrating with him would look like, they should be able to find a form of celebrating that nourishes them both.

Meeting in the middle this way doesn’t have to be painful. For instance, friends of mine invited their son and his wife to join them at a beautiful and expensive hotel in Quebec City. The parents knew their frugal son would be somewhat uncomfortable with this extravagance, even though they were paying for it, so they booked smaller rooms than they otherwise would have. When they told their son that they had gotten a reduced rate as a result, he relaxed and began to enjoy the prospect of more luxury than he usually allowed himself.

Q: After months of treatment, it appears that my client’s serious illness is in remission. His wife, who has been a stalwart caregiver, is longing to get away for a relaxing vacation with him. He says he’s too tired and wants her to go with a girlfriend instead. She has refused, but I sense she’s becoming resentful that she isn’t getting the relief she needs. These folks are good friends as well as clients. Is there a solution I can tactfully suggest?

A: In addition to being scared to leave her husband in case he takes a turn for the worse, the weary, giving wife probably believes it would be selfish to enjoy herself while he stays home, sick and depleted. I suspect that he feels bad about having been such a burden to her, and would actually be relieved to know she is getting the rest and rejuvenation she needs.

In this tough situation, your empathetic listening and mediation can be of great help. By urging both the wife and the husband to voice their true thoughts and feelings, you may be able to help the couple step back from their emotionally-charged deadlock. (Don’t hesitate to call on a couples therapist or counselor if you feel like you’re in over your head.) Encourage the two spouses to brainstorm ways that she can take time for some R&R, while he gets the help and support he may need in her absence. If she allows herself to go away for a short time to a spa or on a cruise, it may give her the nourishment she needs to continue nursing her husband through his medical crisis. Help her see that if she refuses to do this, she may end up exhausted, irritable, and depressed, which would be a far greater threat to the health of their marriage.

When your clients resist allowing themselves to enjoy pleasures that they’ve earned and can well afford, it could be a symptom of workaholism, an overfunctioning sense of responsibility, self-deprivation, or even martyrdom. Try to help them explore their old money scripts and self-limiting beliefs so that they can create new possibilities for fun, relaxation, adventure, and pampering. They will thank you for expanding their capacity to enjoy life, without compromising their deeply held values and their integrity.