How to Help Grown Children and Aging Parents With Tough Talks

"A neutral third party can move a conversation in 30 minutes that a family has avoided for 30 years, and for advisors, facilitating that meeting is one of the most valuable things we do," Jim Crider, founder and financial planner at Intentional Living Financial Planning, told me by email.

I recently asked advisors how planners can guide clients on talking about finances and life transitions. They called for an empathetic approach, both in how advising middle-age clients to speak with their parents and in guiding older clients to share information with their grown children.

"I work with families on both sides of this conversation every week, and the gap between what parents know and what adult children need to know is one of the most costly problems I see," Jeff Judge, managing partner at Chesapeake Financial Planners, told me via email.

"The most important things aging parents should share aren't dramatic. They're practical. Location of key documents … account logins, insurance policies, and any named advisors the family should call," Judge said.

Even parents reticent to share estate plans, advisors suggest, should let adult children know where wills, trust agreements, healthcare directives and safe deposit boxes are located; the people chosen as executors and durable power of attorney to make decisions if parents are incapacitated; and names of any financial advisors, lawyers and CPAs.

Aging parents also need to keep their estate plan updated to reflect current intentions, Judge added.

The tone that children and advisors take in approaching the older generation is key. Judge tells clients to call a "family coordination meeting" to assure someone can act quickly if needed, rather than framing it as a "death conversation."

Timing matters, he added.

"The best conversations happen before there's a health event driving them," Judge said. "A Thanksgiving dinner table isn't ideal either. I usually suggest something low-stakes and deliberate, like a Saturday morning when nobody's rushing anywhere. One topic at a time is enough."

For adult children whose parents haven't provided info, Judge advises starting with a low-pressure question. That could mean asking, "'If something happened tomorrow, do you know who I should call?' That one question usually opens the door without anyone feeling accused of expecting an inheritance.

"If parents still resist, I sometimes offer to be a neutral third party in the conversation, which removes some of the emotional charge," he said.

Not One and Done

Bridget Borel, founder and CEO of Clairwell Financial Planning, encourages older clients to share facts about accounts and estate planning documents.

"But I also urge them to discuss their values and the reasons behind their planning decisions," she said. "These aren't easy conversations, but planning and communicating these plans is such a tremendous gift to the next generation. It's rarely one conversation, but a series of ongoing conversations where perhaps one piece at a time is discussed."

Borel provides checklists to help clients track the topics to cover when ready.

She invites older clients to bring in adult children to get acquainted, "so the children know who I am and have an opportunity to discuss their parents' plans with me," to provide a technical context "and reassurance that their parents have an advocate in me," she told me via email.

Borel hopes adult children-clients learn about their parents' potential financial needs for long-term care or medical expenses and how they can help their parents finish estate planning.

"Most importantly, I urge them to remain open and curious, not entitled, regarding inheritance," she said. "If done with care, these discussions can strengthen the bonds between aging parents and adult children, and prevent financial and logistical hurdles in the parents' final years and beyond."

Intentional Living's Crider called the "operating manual," not the balance sheet, the most underrated conversation.

"Adult children usually have a rough sense of what mom and dad have. They almost never know where it lives, who the attorney is, who the CPA is, where the policies are filed, or which accounts have which beneficiaries. We encourage clients to put that map together long before anyone needs it," he told me by email.

Learning Why, Not Just How Much

Crider also encourages clients to make money a "normal, ongoing topic between generations," and not a one-time event.

"Talk about the decisions you're glad you made and the ones you'd redo. The trip that was worth every dollar. The house that wasn't. The year you maxed the 401(k) for the first time and what it took. The business you almost bought," Crider said.

"And it works both directions. Parents who hear what their kids are wrestling with financially often find ways to help that have nothing to do with writing a check," he added.

What's the ideal timing?

"A family meeting at the kitchen table is a gift; a family meeting in an ICU waiting room is a crisis," Crider said.

He encourages natural triggers, like an estate plan update, beneficiary change or Medicare enrollment to open the door. He added that the big "summit" often backfires.

Crider suggests that clients whose parents haven't volunteered anything share their own planning first. They might say, "'I just got my documents in order and realized I don't know where yours are.' Ask about people and wishes before assets. And when it stalls, offer a joint meeting with the parents' attorney or advisor."

Protecting Assets Now

Cybersecurity has become a major part of this conversation, Alex Bridges, wealth advisor with Tiverton Wealth, said in an email. He holds an annual client webinar about scams, fraud and the ways that criminals try to get people to reveal personal information.

"As people age, protecting information is just as important as organizing it," Bridges said.

If parents aren't ready to share details, Bridges encourages middle-aged clients to ask them to keep a current balance sheet and income statement with estate documents, including account and document locations and income sources.

Many older clients are concerned that sharing financial details will damage their children's work ethic, Brennan Decima, owner of Decima Wealth Consulting, said in an email.

Decima suggests that they make an inventory with all assets and locations and tell their children where the information is located.

"That doesn't make it easy, and it doesn't mean you need to share all of the details. This means you should start explaining your values and goals for aging or passing to those who have a voice in the process," Decima said. "Everyone involved should approach the conversation with curiosity and compassion, and not focus on debate or judgment."

Rick Vala, co-founder and wealth advisor at VaMa Oak Wealth, said the goal for parents "isn't necessarily full transparency" into their net worth but to ensure that children are prepared.

"We like to tell clients to think about it from the other side of the table," he said via email. "When you're gone, someone has to settle your estate. Every missing document, every unknown account, every policy that nobody knew about adds hours of stress for your kids during what's already a very sad and stressful period."

Dinah Wisenberg Brin is a ThinkAdvisor reporter covering portfolio strategies, asset management and financial industry news. She can be reached at dinah.brin@arc-network.com.