7 great accountant jokes

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.” “Why does that parrot cost so much?” asks the accountant. “Well,” replies the owner, “it knows how to do complex audits.” “How much does the middle parrot cost?” asks the accountant. “That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do, plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts.” The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?” to which the owner replies “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says. “Have you tried counting sheep?” inquires the doctor. “That’s the problem — I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?” The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “Twenty-two.” The second was a social worker. She said, “I don’t know the answer but I’m glad we had time to discuss this important question.” The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, “How much is two and two?” The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it, then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?” He got the job.

What is an extroverted accountant like? She’ll look at your shoes while talking to you instead of her own.

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each morning, as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work. After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his mentor’s success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message: “Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window.”